It’s been a few months since I finished my second read of Punpun, and I have to say there are still so many parts that linger with me. One of the most prominent is the portrayal and impact of young love. Specifically the connection Punpun found with Aiko, then with Sachi, and how all of this relates to my own life. I wrote a bit on this briefly in my first post, but I think this conversation deserves it’s own post. Get ready, it’s about to get weird.
My love life has always been similar to that of our boy Punpun. Nonexistent, except when literally thrown into my lap. I once had a young love like Punpun’s. Well, actually two. The first was with a girl from kindergarten. Her name was Melissa, and she was my very first crush. If I’m being completely honest I’m not sure if I genuinely liked her, or if I discovered some small reserve of mini-Chad energy flowing through me to make my friends and family think I was cool for a little while. Looking back I’m not sure if there were any real feelings toward this girl or if I just wanted to have a girlfriend that I could brag to my friends about. I often think the latter, but then I consider the fact we kissed. Twice. My memory isn’t crystal clear of the exact situation, but I think the first time was accidental and the second time on a dare. Somehow Melissa and I, much like Punpun and Aiko, found ourselves looking deeply at each other as young kids and decided we were “in love”. I can’t really describe it other than the same way it’s portrayed in Punpun, where they both lock eyes and it sort of just connects. We were both sitting down in a corner by the door of our kindergarten classroom. I think we were playing a game I would call ‘kissy-face’, where we would lean in to kiss each other, but most times we would chicken out before actually kissing. One time we went a little too far and actually connected lips, and the next thing you knew everyone was talking about it. You know how little kids are, always yelling and questioning everything. While some kids didn’t seem to care, a few were losing their minds trying to comprehend what happened. On a dare from one of the doubters, we proceeded to kiss again so everyone knew we weren’t lying. I don’t think either of us fully intended any of this. We were just kids being kids that went along with the joke to mess with our friends. When our lips met, I think we both shocked ourselves when the other decided to be okay with it. I’m sure the reaction of the other kids only encouraged us. It’s funny, outside of this first interaction we almost never talked. I think we hung out occasionally during recess, maybe holding hands and being cute as little kids do, but we certainly had no plans for the future or any idea what we were doing in general. This went on for 2 years until the second grade, where my middle school instincts started kicking in and I began into my ‘I hate girls’ phase. I don’t remember exactly what I said to Melissa that year to officially break up with her, but I know it wasn’t very nice and she cried. I think I was over the novelty of having a girlfriend, especially since I was 8 and tired of all the drama. /s
After reading the early chapters of Punpun I was first reminded of this relationship, especially when Aiko and Punpun kiss on the gym floor. That first love seems so important at the time, almost so much so that it could be the base of their entire lives. I remember thinking this girl would be my wife and that I had found my soulmate at the age of 6. In reality, this is just a chance encounter between two kids experiencing the first joys of young love, even if not fully understood. I was just a young guy trying to get my bearings in a world where having a girlfriend or significant other is the basis for respect, and I wanted an early taste at that life. I remember thinking back on this relationship several years ago and wondering where Melissa is now, if she would remember me, or if any of what we experienced was as real as I remember it. I don’t expect to re-kindle anything, but there’s a gentle curiosity that makes you wonder about someone you used to be close to, especially that long ago and being so young. I found a profile on Facebook for a similar looking girl with the same name, but I had no way to verify if it was her or not. With so much time passed and with how young we were, I’ve decided to abandon any idea of re-connecting and leave it to imagination.
After reading Punpun the second time just recently, I was once again reminded of Melissa. I was reminded of the feelings Punpun harbored towards Aiko over the years as he waited for her, unsure if she’s going to reappear or if there was any real connection there. I can see how in Punpun’s eyes, his relationship with Aiko was a way for one of his deepest desires to be fulfilled before he even understood what the desire was, and I deeply relate to that. As kids we don’t understand love. We think we do, but we’re really only adopting the patterns we see adults operate in and act based on that. For Punpun, he doesn’t even know the pleasure of sex or kissing, just that he likes how this girl makes him feel. Melissa was similarly a girl that I liked because of how I felt when I looked at her. She was a way for me to show others that I’m respectable and mature, but I had no idea I was doing this at the time. By this comparison, Punpun and I were both kids stuck in the puppy-love phase of a new relationship that ended up imprinting on us for the rest of our lives. Punpun ended up chasing this ideal feeling of a relationship for the rest of his life, and I’ve always hoped to find something as simple as love was back then but have never been able to meet that challenge.
It’s unnerving thinking back on Melissa in the same way Punpun did Aiko, especially knowing I’ve never talked to her since, but it brings an interesting comparison in our thoughts as we grew up. Punpun never experienced another relationship like Aiko, which may have led him to put her on a pedestal compared to other women or potential relationships. The only comparison he has until he meets Sachi is Kanie, and this was a disaster considering how it nearly ruined any social life Punpun had in high school. I was similar in the sense that my love life quickly dwindled after these first few ‘golden years’ of romance, which didn’t pick up again until late high school. I had similar runs with girls like Kanie that simply were not the right fit for me, yet I’d blame myself for being too awkward or not asking for what I want, and then finding feelings of shame or regret when I can’t fix the situation. Its so crazy how most of my younger self love struggles can be easily compared to the scene with Punpun and Kanie at the bus station. I’m just a guy overwhelmed with hormones that wants sex and a girl that will explore with me. Just like Punpun, I often struggle to connect with people and will make up excuses for my actions or say things that I think people want to hear to get what I want. We see Punpun doing the very same thing here, only to be met with a fierce refusal from Kanie.
One thing Punpun and I struggle with is the idea that people don’t always think like us. We have concrete ideas of how the world operates in our head, and when the world behaves differently than we expect we freak out and resort to anything that might fix it. In Punpun’s case, he desperately wants to salvage his relationship with Kanie so he can experience the same feeling he found with Aiko many years ago. When it becomes clear to him he’s been rejected, despite trying soo hard and doing all the seemingly right things, Punpun is sort of broken. His internal compass has guided him every step of the way yet he’s failed, and has nobody to blame but himself. Despite controlling everything he possibly could, he still didn’t get what he wanted. This realization, frankly that he can’t control everything in life and he is subject to the needs of others, is what causes Punpun to begin his descent into the troubled adult we later see him grow up to be. Punpun never gets the chance to live any part of a happy or fulfilling life as a young teen, never finds any affection in either his parents or friends, and now has been rejected by the only girl he’s tried to connect to outside of Aiko. Makes it easier to understand why he’s so attached to the idea of Aiko and why he has difficulty making connections. Life sucks sometimes.
I’m lingering on this scene for just a bit longer, hang in there. The last moment I want to look at is Kanie calling out Punpun for his selfishness at the bus station. Punpun has just made it clear he’s skipped seeing his mother’s life-altering surgery to hang with Kanie, which is disturbingly dark on its own and especially in the way he words it to her. Kanie rightfully stands her ground by revealing to Punpun that he’s only interested in himself. He doesn’t really see her as a date, or as a friend, or really anything special if we’re being honest. Punpun views her as a means to an end, which is to have sex and experiment with a girl as a hormonal teenager. He has no real connection to her other than a general attraction to the opposite sex. It’s almost like he’s completely taken out his emotion and is purely pursuing his own pleasure. This isn’t hard to follow either, as Punpun is acting way out of character trying to please her all night, which even Kanie notices as disingenuous. When Kanie ultimately rejects him, Punpun is forced to accept that he cannot simply get his own way when he wants it, and that he cannot control how love operates. By lacking genuine interest, he made it clear to Kanie he’s a fraud, and she’s smart to leave him right then and there. Punpun encountered one of life’s most difficult challenges here in being able to separate your own selfish feelings from the needs of others. Punpun was so focused on getting his needs met that he lost track of his values and the ideals that he cares about.
When I compare this to my own life, I think of some of my girlfriends through the years in grade school and up. I found myself in so many stupid little romantic puzzles with girls I had no business messing around with, but just like Punpun I was also feeling the jolt of puberty. As such, I wanted to test the waters, and this led me down a few rabbit holes with very limited success, especially when being pushy like Punpun was with Kanie. I won’t use any names, but there was a girl I dated in early high school that I thought was fairly attractive, and we dated for a few months with kissing being nearly the only thing we ever did together. But as time went on I started to feel that I wanted to experiment with more things sexually, like receiving a blowjob or having sex. She was alright with kissing and touching me with her hand, but nothing more, and she was firm with this. Still, I kept suggesting this more and more often, but I couldn’t get her to budge. At a certain point, I finally decided I had waited long enough with no success and I broke up with her. Admittedly, this was a pretty cold thing to do from my end. She confessed deep feelings of affection to me, and I reciprocated those feelings in order to get the pleasure I was looking for. I don’t believe any of those confessed feelings were genuine, mostly because we had no connection beyond one of teenage sexual angst. It’s just unfortunate I didn’t see it for what it was, just a swipe at love with someone who also wanted a connection but had nothing in common with me. Had I been able to relate this with how Punpun was at the station that day, I may have seen the true selfishness of my own ways.
I don’t think it’s uncommon for young guys to do this. Honestly I think a lot of men do this without realizing. You can’t just go out and expect any attractive girl to be compatible with you and your life, or that she’ll be open and willing to do so. When people are being fake with each other and forcing a connection, this situation is much more likely to occur. I’ve found that the best situations in my life have happened from real, genuine friendships that blossomed over time with good communication, shared time and compassion for one another. I unfortunately can’t say I was able to make any of them last, but I’m confident that the winning combination, and difference between myself and Punpun, is the ability to truly connect with others by having passions and sharing them with the world. At least that’s the idea.
Now we can finally get into the meat of both Punpun and I’s individual love lives. I mentioned back at the very beginning of this post that there were two young loves, the first being Melissa. Much later on, near the end of high school, I met the other. Nicole was an interesting and incredible girl, and in many ways she reminds me very much of Aiko, strikingly so actually. Much like Punpun with Aiko, I felt an intense connection with Nicole. We had similar interests, we were intellectually compatible, and genuinely cared for each other. It was my first real love and connection with a girl that truly felt right. We were never perfect, also much like Punpun and Aiko, with an incredible amount of insecurities and fears that ultimately brought us down. With all that said, we were madly attracted to each other, which played a huge role in the longevity of our relationship and why it was so impactful when we broke up. The reason I compare Nicole to Aiko, outside of looks, is not necessarily anything Nicole did or who she was, but rather how being with her changed my life entirely. My perception of love was molded by this relationship, and anything I’ve had since I compare to Nicole. She’s my baseline, just like Aiko would be for Punpun. Not only this, but I for many years waited for my life to get better so Nicole could come back into my life. I put the concept of us getting back together in the back of my mind, just leaving a hope in case one day things line up for me. I’ve seriously had the thought, now over a decade extended from us dating, that if her husband passed and we somehow met up, there might be a chance. Like that’s the level of pitiful hope I was clinging to for a chance to get that life back. This is sort of the feeling I think Punpun had during his adult years waiting for Aiko to return, if she ever would. There was always this idea in the back of his head that Aiko was the girl of his dreams and just waiting for him out there. Maybe I’m taking this a step too far, but I think Punpun probably assumed all other women were inferior or any relationship he started would be less than what he had with Aiko, so why bother. I assume this because I’ve thought this myself, and in many cases I’ve struggled to get over the idea of Nicole because I don’t know any better. The truth is that I’m scared to know what else is out there because I’m afraid to let go of the past. Only when I do that will I be able to go out and find my Sachi.
Which brings me to the final part of this post, and redemption arc for both Punpun and myself. Sachi is in all (I didn’t do the math just trust me) ways the best thing that happened to Punpun in the series. If there’s anything I can say about this, it’s that Sachi is the opportunity that every man seems to find at least as some point in their life that can lead them to greatness. I see Sachi and see someone that accepted Punpun when he was at his lowest, and still saw the redeeming qualities in him to bring him out of his shell. Sachi is the resourceful friend that is outgoing, giving, caring, but also gives space and protects boundaries. She helps take care of Punpun whenever she can and is looking out for his best interest even just as a friend. Sachi is no millionaire, but she’s willing to lend a hand to those in need while not often caring for the cost. She’s courageous and will never back down from a good argument, especially defending someone she loves. And all of this is what I would describe as an ideal women, or at least a form of a guide for what I’m looking for myself. I can’t get greedy and expect someone to have every quality listed here, but I can certainly hope to find one of similar quality and character.
I think what Punpun and I failed to realize so much sooner is that there’s a difference between perceived love and real, genuine love. What we felt from an early age was perceived love, or love that we assumed was of the highest quality because it was the only form we’ve experienced. Instead of pursuing a love that might surpass this or trying anything new, we stuck to our guns and locked in the idea that the first love we had was the best love. What Punpun later discovered, and I can now see, is that you can’t give up trying for something better or you’ll get stuck living in the past. Every moment people are making decisions, growing, improving and changing the world as we see it. We have to be able to change with it and accept the flow of time as it comes. Relationships come and go, people change and nothing is permanent. These are facts of life, but refusing to accept them is more common than you think. I can’t say for certain what a genuine love is, but I feel deep down that there’s a possible connection so strong awaiting me that will destroy every sense of the word love that I ever knew and redefine it. The point of all this is that finding genuine love like Sachi takes a willingness to accept the universe as it is and roll with whatever life brings. I won’t find Sachi by hiding away thinking about how I’ve ruined my life so far. Nor will I find her by chasing my past mistakes or trying to rekindle old flames. I’ll find her by cleaning myself up, building new bridges to paths I’ve never explored and by following my dreams to new realities. The Sachi’s of this world are out there, I just have to be willing and able to go find her.
Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. I hope my ramblings made sense this week. Until next time, peace.