The Subtle Art of Giving A Little Bit of a Fuck

Over the past few weeks I’ve been on a self-help binge. This includes learning new things on improving mental health, improving my morning routine, having better fitness and getting in better workouts, eating better, etc. While all of these have benefits in their own right, the challenge that’s proved both the most difficult and the most rewarding has been semen retention. It’s a challenge I’ve scoffed at many times in my life and considered impossible simply because I have no interest in stopping nor do I see any reason why this would be beneficial for me. However, I’ve recently been awakened to the potential benefits to retaining this energy, and have decided to give the challenge a go to see if all the hype is real or not.

Over the next 30 days, it’s my goal to retain and transmute my sexual energy into positive, constructive energy. Ever since I was of the able age to perform said act, I’ve never taken more than a one week hiatus, if that. Retaining for more than 30 days originally seemed like a form of torture, ultimately cutting off one of the few cost free sources of relaxation I have left. But after connecting with some new ideas on YouTube and in some of the new self-help books I’m reading, I’ve discovered the value of self-discipline. By challenging yourself to control your thoughts about sex, you are able to control a vital energy that has immense power if channeled properly. Or at least that’s the advertised product.

I first attempted this at the same time I stopped vaping, just over a month ago. While I had a strong start there for both, I failed controlling my manly urges on day 6 with some very intense sexual urges arising. I used all the willpower I could muster to control myself, but the urges were just too strong and I let myself relapse. The nice thing about this challenge is that you can start right back up again at any time, and all of this is natural energy that we’re working with. Nothing that we do when we break is “unnatural’, simply just us losing control of our urges. We don’t truly break any laws, do anything specifically unhealthy for our body, or physically hurt anyone. We simply lose the internal streak of disciple we’ve created. This is why I’m drawn to this challenge. Unlike the other vices I’ve quit, this one isn’t inherently unhealthy, just abused to the point where it becomes unhealthy. This challenge specifically requires a discipline of the mind and body that counters our primal human urges, which is so much different from conquering nicotine or alcohol. This is a natural human element that we’re born with and create every second of every day. So it’s only natural for me to think that this is normal to do every day, and I did for my whole life up until a few weeks ago. But again, we’re sometimes faced with new concepts that challenge our very concepts of truth, and in this case I discovered the benefits of retention.

One of my longest standing goals is to find some confidence in myself and start to feel comfortable in my own shoes. After nearly 30 years of living and many, many attempts to try to to help myself, nothing seemed to be getting me that man level of confidence I’m looking for. I’m generally a hard worker and do tasks well, but I’ve never been good with confrontation or with telling bad news. I’m also often a flake under pressure, which has caused unnecessary hardship at work and in my ability to pursue or develop passions. Even after months of going through one of the most trying parts of my life balancing work and school full time, I still never found a true sense of confidence or passion for the things I claim to love. For a long time I thought I was simply broken, or that I was still missing some piece of the puzzle but had no idea where to turn. This has always been incredibly frustrating too, as during all of this I’m dieting, working out, and in general trying harder at life than ever before yet seeing almost no progress. Fortunately, I refused to give up and instead started looking to one of my favorite sources of information, YouTube, for inspiration.

It was a video from SkiMaskDuets that finally got my attention. He promised that after 30 days of doing just this one thing, I can have more confidence, stronger relationships, more drive, a general sense of well-being and overall improved happiness, among many, many other benefits. With how stressed I’ve felt recently and the little sense of motivation I feel despite working so dang hard, I’ve decided to give it a shot. It stands to reason that I need to challenge myself in life in order to improve, and this is certainly something I can adjust in my life. Especially knowing this is something I’ve been doing my whole life without trying anything else, and so I don’t even know what life is like not doing this. So, with no real reason stopping me and all sorts of potential benefits to earn with success, I’ve decided to try again.

After failing the first time around, I learned a few things about myself. First, I have to be able to better control my thoughts so I don’t have urges. When I do have urges, I have to find ways to control them. I’m fortunate to not be very addicted to social media, so I don’t have many triggers there. However, this makes real-life interactions even more sexually charged. For example, while I was grabbing food the other day and in the restaurant, all I could think about was the ass of the girl behind the counter. She was rocking some tight black yoga pants that were fitting every part of her ass, and because of the wait for food I had some time to sit around. I just starred at her ass for a good 5 minutes until my order was ready. I controlled my urge to act on those visual images, but I had not controlled my thinking and this led to the stress on my urges. I don’t like that I have this pattern of thinking. It’s an uphill battle here. Second, I learned just how difficult it is to break the patterns of sexual thinking and that routine. It look some serious resolve and discipline to even get to 6 days the first time around. I think this largely had to do with how ingrained the habits I had were. I had difficulty escaping these thoughts despite avoiding the specific act, which just goes to show how addicted I was to seeing these images and having that release. It was only after I failed for the 4th time in a row (not in the same day, consecutive days) that I finally realized just how deep in this hole I was. I remember having a feeling of absolute disgust and guilt. I had finally realized after several attempts just how shallow and pitiful the act really is. Like, it’s only a temporary moment of relaxation and bliss that is intended to be the accomplishment point of life for a man and woman, and yet here I am beating off to a chick that I’m barely attracted to and will get no lasting benefit from, and giving up millions of my reproductive cells to this intrusive thought, only to be killed without having a purpose. It’s a huge waste of resources, it’s human gluttony and lust at it’s finest, and it’s ignoring the immense benefits of what happens when this natural product is retained. I again have never experienced this, but I have felt the depression and sluggishness of beating off. If just stopping this one habit can bring this much potential benefit, then what am I waiting for?

So finally last week I started again, and I’m feeling strong today on day 4, going on 5. From what I understand the first 4 days are called the refractory period, or the time to reset from having originally released to get back to peak activity. Apparently this is the time when we feel the most sluggish, unmotivated, brain-foggy and in general just down. This makes sense in a biological sense too, as when we release, we’re claiming victory in life. I’ve reached the end goal of procreating and I can relax now. I have a hot girl locked down as my own and I’ve just satisfied both her and myself. No need to produce any hormones that would make you more attractive or aggressive, since you don’t need it at this point. See where I’m going with this? It’s a self-harming process for the hungry man, where we remove the beautiful and beneficial biological response we need because we’re too absorbed in experiencing the brief relief and pleasure resulting from it. With some minor discipline and resolve, I believe I can rise to meet this challenge and gain the biological advantages associated with good sexual habits.

So, now at day 4, I’ve started to notice some changes. Nothing too life-changing yet, but also some very notable improvements. I feel the brain fog lifting, or at least a little bit. I could feel it as soon as I got in the car to leave for work this morning, and the general sense of being present has been way more prevalent today. I even had a brief moment this morning where I felt so full of energy that I was happy and smiling at the concept of being able to serve and do work that I enjoy doing. It blew me away too, because I’ve never felt this way about work especially on a Monday. But I feel motivated, free of my old thoughts and restrictions on my mind. I have Testosterone flowing through my blood again, and this gives me power too. Skimask talked about these first few days like he was supercharged caveman full of testosterone, like literally an ape doing primal things. I can relate to this in some sense. I don’t exactly feel like a testosterone pumped savage animal, but I can feel that my baseline has finally come up from zero and I have manly thoughts and urges more often. Like I’m more comfortable standing up for myself and just not lying when I have to give difficult news at the office, or just being comfortable in my own skin and not being nervous all the time. I feel like I’ve finally found the foundation piece I’ve been waiting to start building on that will be the base for my confidence. Now it’s only been 4 days, but realistically I can see myself going the distance here. I’ve studied the benefits, I’ve studied my mind and my biological responses, and I’ve studied my habits. I know what I need to do to improve myself, and I can already see the immense benefits awaiting me with this challenge. Everything I’m lacking as a man, or at least most of it, comes with successful completion of this challenge. Strength, confidence, attraction to women, a deeper voice, better relationships and generally feeling of happiness and wellbeing are all things I stand to gain. A momentary feeling of relief and pleasure are some of the only few benefits of failing this challenge, so what do I have to lose?

I’ll go ahead and say that this is by far the most challenging of any addiction I’ve tried to quit. It’s entirely free, can be done almost anywhere (within reason, not like Punpun here), and takes very little time to do. You also let your mind linger on fantastical thoughts of pleasurable areas on women and this releases a ton of dopamine. It’s been ingrained in my mind as a place to go to find relief, and in general it’s become something I rely upon as a form of relaxation and stress relief. Its wild to think about now too, I’ve never really considered this a problem or anything that may be hurting my growth. Literally since the age of probably 14. I’ve honestly never taken real, tangible steps to reduce my interaction with sexually explicit material. I’ve never experienced the benefits of training my mind and body to resist these urges. Shit, I’ve really never trained my mind at all. Now, almost age 30 and deep into what has now become my life, I’ve just now started to consider these benefits and this lifestyle. In high school and college I remember hearing about guys being celibate for long periods of time or guys withholding f, and I always thought like jeez man that’s good for you but I like how this feels so I’ll keep doing it. It never dawned on me that so many of the challenges of life that I’ve been experiencing can be helped with this practice, and I can become so much happier and fulfilled by following this practice of restraint and control.

This blog post has now extended a couple days of writing, and I’m now at day 6 of my celibacy. Literally 24 hours away from breaking the 7 day mark, and I’m already at my last time record of 6 days. From what Skimask said, 90% of men fail before they hit day 7. By hitting this mark, I’ve attained a goal many men will never, ever accomplish or realize in their life. I have been given an opportunity to embrace and channel the inner energy of manliness. This is not an opportunity I intend to squander. By realizing this goal and continuing to push to 30 days, I am molding my mind and body into a principled and disciplined man that faces challenges had on has full control over his thoughts and actions, and can fight against even the strongest of our primal, human urges. Not only that, but I’ll finally get a little testosterone back into the bloodstream. Testosterone is built up, at least at the very basic level, when men have sexual urges and sexual energy. Releasing this sexual energy allows this buildup to release and dwindle, which is evident in the past 30 years of my life having almost no drive. This release allegedly boosts estrogen too, which reduces manliness even further. To combat this and build up a storage of testosterone, the first step is to stop the process that is stopping the accumulation of testosterone. Now this is a bit of bro-science, as my research has indicated that most of the regular methods of boosting testosterone involve eating habits, alcohol and tobacco use, sleeping habits, exercise, and exposure to certain elements like microplastics, among many other lifestyle habits. While I have no inclination do disprove all of this, for me, I believe that withholding from this task has brought on a serious reserve in testosterone that has never been able to build up to this level. The release of hormones afterwards has never given my body a chance to build up the proper stores for a young man, and I’ve instead been working with depleted hormone stores or an increase in counterproductive hormones, which has also been reducing my drive and passion for life. By now channeling this energy, I’ve been given the opportunity to rebuild these stores and fully see the extent of my life with the appropriate hormones for a man flowing through. And I have to say, it feels great.

The first thing I’ve noticed is my ability to think clearly. The brain fog has definitely lifted. I feel like I can see more clearly, that I can think more clearly, and that in general everything I do is coming easier. I can better envision my goals for the future, I can see how poorly my prior habits have been affecting my day to day life, and I can feel the difference in every part of my body. I’m able to wake up and be active earlier, especially now that I have some drive back and set some goals. I’m able to push myself harder working out, which I’ve done every day since, and the workouts are only improving. I’ve been able to feel the improvements in my throat, and things finally seem to be moving out and clearing up. At the end of the day, I’m just all around feeling stronger, more manly, and more connected in every possible way. It’s simply a great feeling. Even my voice seems to be a bit deeper as I gain more confidence and time with this challenge. Finally, I’ve noticed an ability to work harder at the office, which branches into an ability to better control my emotions. This has been a huge bonus. Without realizing, this has been one of the biggest issues I’m experiencing now at work. I seem to bring in all sorts of unnecessary aggression and frustration while talking to customers or interacting with my co-workers. The trouble, it seems, is realizing this frustration and understanding why I’m feeling that way. Like yeah I know i don’t want to work, but I’m getting paid very well to do this. I think the frustration comes in with the idea of equal work or equivalent pay for equivalent jobs. In many cases I don’t feel that my co-workers are putting the same level of work or effort into this job that I am, yet they often feel the need to pile things on my plate or simply refuse to help when I’m busy. While definitely frustrating, this should never be able to ruin my day, or affect how I do my job or interact with myself. There’s always a solution to the problem, and sometimes the answer doesn’t come from doing your job better but by better communicating that you expect from others. I often take the blame myself when claims aren’t being handled or have been delayed, and yet this is not my job. Instead of getting angry that Barb isn’t here or isn’t doing her job, it’s important to remember that I am not the final stop or say when handling this, and I can get help. I often try to shoulder the burden of getting someone taken care of, when in reality all they need is someone to point them in the right direction. Long story short, I’m causing a lot of my own problems.

I just got back from my lunch break and have two things to add before I wrap this one up. First, I have incredibly high libido today. Its dangerous. Literally every woman I saw while on lunch got me excited. Even not attractive ones, just the thought of sexualizing them was all I could think about. And this just goes to show how damaged the pathways in my brain are. Ideally I should never have those types of thoughts, or I suppose it’s better to say I should be able to manage what I think about. I can’t help the instinctual urges I get, nor can I stop what thought immediately pops in my head, but I can control what my brain chooses to focus on. If a thought pops into my head, I have to consciously choose to linger on that thought to keep thinking about it. By controlling the energy I give to my individual thoughts, and only choosing to keep the good ones, I can start to eliminate the process that is occurring here. I can re-establish the proper connections in my brain, which will act as a sort of brain reset. With time, I can start to see women, life and manhood in a completely new light. I just need to control what I spend energy thinking about, which includes reducing bad thoughts and increasing positive ones. This is a process I’ve been addressing daily, and I feel like I’m making significant progress in becoming a man that’s free from these desires. I’ve quit nearly all my vices, I’ve limited my diet to mostly only healthy foods, reduced drinking, and in general built a healthy lifestyle that is more fitting for my life goals. I finally have something that I want in life and a means to do it. Now all it’s going to take is determination, perseverance and time.

I just got back from my lunch break and have two things to add before I wrap this one up. First, I have incredibly high libido today. Its dangerous. Literally every woman I saw while on lunch got me excited. Even not as attractive ones, just the thought of sexualizing a woman was all I could think about. And this just goes to show how damaged the pathways in my brain are. Ideally I should never have those types of thoughts, or I suppose it’s better to say I should be able to manage what I think about. I can’t help the instinctual urges I get, nor can I stop what thought immediately pops in my head, but I can control what my brain chooses to focus on. If a thought pops into my head, I have to consciously choose to linger on that thought to keep thinking about it. By controlling the energy I give to my individual thoughts, and only choosing to keep the good ones, I can start to eliminate the process that is occurring here. I can re-establish the proper connections in my brain, which will act as a sort of brain reset. With time, I can start to see women, life and manhood in a completely new light. I just need to control what I spend energy thinking about, which includes reducing bad thoughts and increasing positive ones. This is a process I’ve been addressing daily, and I feel like I’m making significant progress in becoming a man that’s free from these desires. I’ve quit nearly all my vices, I’ve limited my diet to mostly only healthy foods, reduced drinking, and in general built a healthy lifestyle that is more fitting for my life goals. I finally have something that I want in life and a means to do it. Now all it’s going to take is determination, perseverance and time.


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