What’s up y’all? It’s yer boy here again with another manga reflection. I’m slowly learning, as I write more of these, that I need to stop over-editing these reflections and instead let them be in their natural, raw state. I feel like I spend way too long trying to make something profound or incredibly deep, when in reality those things just come with time and practice, not over-worrying. So here’s a less edited and more off the cuff version of my normal rant. Enjoy.
So if you’ve ever read the manga Blood on the Tracks, you’re probably just like me in thinking what the fuck did I just read. It’s an absolutely terrifying mess of mind games and manipulation inflicted on a young boy, all coming from the one person in the world that the boy wants love from the most – his mother. This sickening, twisted tale essentially depicts the tragic story of a young boy who’s being gaslit into questioning just about everything in his life, and the entire read in my opinion is an absolute masterpiece of horror and psychological terror.
Instead of going through the story and highlighting some of the more gruesome events, since even trying to describe the events here would take away from the majesty of this work, I’d like to talk about some of the themes of this book and the overall message I think the author was trying to convey in this story.
One of the most poignant messages described in this manga is the idea of trust within the family. From our earliest days, we’re all left at complete mercy of our parents after birth. As newborns and babies we have no way of helping ourselves, leaving our parents (or caregivers, depending on the situation) as the ones to care and nurture us. Yet, as we grow older and more capable of taking care of ourselves, it’s often seen as customary or even recommended to let the child take these tasks on for themselves. However, we quickly learn that in this manga our beloved main character is never given the opportunity to do so. His mother does everything for him, down to tying his shoes. So it’s completely understandable that to this boy, his mother is the only person in the world he truly cares for.
While this often isn’t enough to entirely ruin a child, this takes a slightly darker turn when we consider that in the matter of just a few seconds, this woman turns from a loving over-protector and caring parent into a murderer and manipulative liar within the first few chapters. The absurdity of all this aside, what I find truly terrifying about this initial event on the cliff is the mental and emotional damage done to our young protagonist within moments. I mean just imagine: You’re on a cliff, having a good time with your cousin, then out of nowhere your mother comes in to save your cousin when she thinks he’s about to fall. She holds him for a moment on the ledge, pauses, then proceeds to yeet him off the cliff just seconds after saving his life. Then, if not terrifying enough already, she turns back to her son with a chilling smile and a look in her eyes that depict a woman no longer connected with this world. The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
There’s so many layers to how horrifying this is, but near the top of the list is the reaction her son has to all of this. Even without knowing the next part of the story, I think it’s worthwhile to think about this child’s thoughts and reactions just as this is happening. He’s still so young, to the point where every aspect of his life is controlled by his mother, so he clearly holds his mother in high regards. And yet, in just a moment his world is completely flipped upside down when the person he cares for most does something so out of character, he questions whether or not he even saw it properly. I can’t imagine how earth shattering this would be, and would honestly make me question everything I once believed to be true. Yet, we also have to remember that we’re asking this from a child, who hasn’t even has an opportunity to stand up for himself without his mom. So how can we reasonably ask that in his first real moment of turbulence that he would even have an idea of how to react?
Of course our author knows this all to well, making this interaction so much more horrifying. When the mother finally snaps out of it and runs to get help, the confusion in this boys mind could very well have been enough to cause most grown men to go insane. So it’s not surprising at all when the boy immediately sides with his mother out of sheer panic and loyalty to his loved one, not realizing the pain and torment he’ll be inflicting upon himself with this decision. He can’t properly comprehend what he’s just seen, and is instead simply relying on the child-like logic that his mother wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. She must have had a good reason for it, right?
As we continue on, what starts out as a nightmare turns into a full out hellscape when the boy questions his mother’s actions some time later, only to be choked, gaslit again into questioning what he even saw, and told he’s only a child. This brutal exchange not only deepens the growing confusion in the boy, but once again causes a rift in his relationship with his mother, whom he’s been loyal to this entire time despite everything going on. Now he’s trying his best to cling onto his only source of normality in what used to be his mother, yet he’s only met with the soulless eyes and hateful words of a woman no longer able to show him love.
I’m now realizing that despite saying otherwise, I’m still going event by event, so I’ll try to cut that out now. I guess what struck me about this manga is just how much a soul can be burdened by pain, and how this can affect those around us despite our best intentions. It’s my opinion that his mother never actually intended to kill the cousin, but rather was so burdened by her own torments in nearly killing her own son so many years ago that she’s unable to come to terms with reality. She instead tried to murder her own son again, yet accidentally chose the wrong boy. Ultimately the mother was never the same after she initially tried to kill her own son when he was just a toddler. She tried her hardest to push onwards, but the pain inside her and the misery seeping through from her own childhood was enough to push her into a state of complete insanity. In her mind, she truly never was a mother, but the reality of life was constantly telling her otherwise. This constant back and forth clearly influenced the things she did, and while this is certainly not the most rational explanation, it at least gives some groundwork to explain these horrible events. From the beginning she never wanted to be a mother, and was only forced into doing it so that she could maybe fill the void in her own heart where she never received love. Yet, as we find out in heartbreaking fashion, she was completely unable to do so.
To me this sort of helps explain all the horrible things she had done to her son over the years. It’s not justifiable in any rational way, but does sort of line up when considering the effects generational trauma can have. Maybe this is why she’s so incredibly heartless to her son in the courtroom, and also helps describe why as an adult she never seems to fully recognize her son until the very end. This is a woman who’s mentally given up being a mother, even if all evidence is pointing the other direction. She just cant accept it.
Now onto the son. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of a life one would lead after living the events he has, especially at such a young age. From seeing your cousin get nearly killed, to being gaslit and mentally abused by his mother, to then ultimately kill your own cousin while in a trance-like state trying to figure out the events your mother has placed you into… it’s quite the predicament to find yourself in as a child. To then spend time in jail for this, just like your mom, only to then be completely thrown aside and ridiculed when finally brought face to face, would be one of the most devastating experiences I can possibly think of. Essentially you have a child being thrown away by literally the only human in his life that’s ever had a connection to, in one of the most heartbreaking and cruel ways imaginable. It’s completely unfair, wrong, and should never have happened to anyone, but this tale shows us the true reality of humanity and what can happen in the darkest of circumstances when a human mind is on the verge of collapse.
I have a few points I’d like to talk about here, including the dad and the girlfriend at the beginning of the manga, because these are perhaps the only other noteworthy relationships our young protagonist has. It’s clear that these two figures seemed to genuinely care for him, and both of them, despite being unable to help him escape his torments, were the only bright spots in his otherwise miserable life. Yet even though they were such positive parts of his life, he refused to attach to them in a meaningful way, and instead chose to latch onto his mother. It brings into question the power of a mother and child relationship. If it’s possible for a child to see his mother do so much wrong, and have options elsewhere to escape, yet keeps turning back to her every time, then what else would he do for his mother? It’s a sick and twisted take on the mother and son relationship, but certainly makes you wonder the power and influence a parent has over a child who’s perceptions of the world are dependent on your approval.
This is especially powerful when considering how loving and caring we find that the father is closer to the end of the manga. He’s always been there for his son, despite not knowing what to say or how to help during the most difficult times. Yet the son never really realized it until it was too late, which cost him another great relationship and chance at happiness. All because he’s preoccupied with what his mom had done to him.
One of the biggest questions I had after reading this manga is why exactly the son couldn’t get past his childhood trauma after so many years, and perhaps turn to the girl that had shown him some fort of friendship? I don’t mean to belittle childhood trauma in any way, but it seemed to me that he had so many good things going on in his life after he’s escaped his mother’s clutches, yet he’s still stuck in a perpetual state of misery. It’s like he finally escaped the one thing in his life that’s causing him pain, so he should be able to move on and start fresh, right? And while this is technically true, I think this shows the power that relationships and connections like this have on people. This child was irreparably broken by his mother the moment she originally tried to kill him, and everything after that was simply him trying to make sense of it all in a world that could offer him no answers. The only person in the world that could fix that boy was his mother, but at this point he no longer had a mother. He’s stuck in a perpetual state of needing acceptance and love from someone who is no longer capable of giving that to him. There’s no person in the world, not even his former girlfriend, that could pull him out of this situation.
I think the reason I connected so much with this manga is because I wanted to try to make sense of it all. In many ways this reminds me of Goodnight, Punpun, solely in the way the story crushes you chapter after chapter with more horrible events unfolding after another. Yet something about this manga hits different, and I think that has to do with the emotional strings being pulled here. This isn’t just some romance gone wrong, or your average horror. This is the idea of a mother needlessly and mercilessly abusing her only child to the point of mental insanity. This is a sacred bond being toyed with, and thinking that any mother could conceivably do that to a child of her own is beyond imaginable. Yet here it is, laid out in plain pictures and words, how something of this very nature could actually happen. And it’s absolutely bone chilling to imagine that the person that brought you into this world, the person that cared for you every day, feeds you, clothes you, and helps you do everything, could suddenly change in an instant and be so terribly cold blooded.
This is the point where I stop trying to rationalize this story, and instead appreciate it for the incredible work of horror that this truly is. Context aside, many of the most horrifying panels in this manga are not even that horrifying in actual substance. They’re honestly just still shots of a woman’s face at different times in her life. Yet what makes these truly horrifying is the context in which they are given, sometimes at moments that make your skin crawl just seeing her expression. The dead look in her eyes and the soulless expression on her face isn’t immediately noticeable, especially to someone who hasn’t read it, but in context these are some of the most horrifying images I’ve seen in manga. And I don’t want to undersell this point, this is a result of incredible storytelling and carefully sculpted artwork that paints this picture of pure terror that can only be possible in a work like this. Again I think this has to do a lot with the power of the mother and child relationship. It’s terrifying enough to see anyone fall into insanity, but when it’s coming from someone so close to you and with so much control over your life, this takes on a whole new level of terror.
I’ll conclude this by saying that I thought the ending was slow, but did help to tie up a lot of loose ends. In a manga like this I don’t know if there’s a way to make this end in a satisfying way, but this is about as close as you could expect it to. Our main character never finds love, never is able to make a connection outside his family, and is until the very end bound to his mother. He does get some much needed closure with her, but at this point the damage is far too much to be repaired. He’s simply completing the last step in his life so he can finally be free of his mother’s torment, but as this manga has shown I don’t really think that’s possible for him. He was tied to his mother from birth, and until her death he’s the same way. With her gone, he has no purpose and nothing left to do. He’s finally free, but to do what?
I always find myself relating to the main character in series like this. This one was a bit more difficult to do, largely because I’ve never experienced the kind of torment our protagonist has; not even by a longshot. But here i found it interesting that the author so heavily demonstrated that childhood trauma was the ultimate cause of so many of the problems in this manga. And to be honest this seems to be a main point for a lot of horror manga series, where childhood trauma is the single cause for chaos down the line. It’s made me think that the solution to many of these problems is simply having someone to be there for them, and someone willing to go out of their way to look after the wellness of these kids. Maybe the message here isn’t to beat the reader down and think the world is chaotic, but to instead make it very clear that with just a little help in mental health, these people would likely be in much better situations. I mean, just imagine what a few sessions of therapy from a well adjusted and caring therapist would do any of these characters? Or just having someone caring to help them through such a tragic event could have helped them build new lives. Maybe It’s naive of me to think that these things could be fixed with love and care from others in their lives. I don’t know for certain how trauma changes someone. But I do know that love is an incredibly powerful force, and if someone truly hasn’t experienced this before, it could be life changing.
So I guess I’ll end this by saying despite how horrific this manga is, there’s beauty here that i think can only be found in reading dark stories like this. It reminds you that the world doesn’t always make sense and needlessly cruel things happen, but also, in a roundabout way, reminds you of the beauty and joy found in human connection. We’re clearly shown what happens with the absence of it, and if that isn’t enough to set you straight, then I don’t know what will.