Never once in my life did I think that I’d be getting my life back on track because I read manga. Especially considering the manga itself is one of the darkest, if not THE darkest, serialization in existence. But here we are, and this is the story of how Oyusumi PunPun saved my life.
A bit of backstory on me first. I’m almost 30 now, working a desk job for my family’s small business in Ohio. Life is decent; I have steady pay and job security, and the work isn’t too challenging. I’m fortunate enough to own a condo not too far from the office, which houses my cat and some modest furnishings. I’m perpetually single, mostly due to my anti-social behavior outside of work. I don’t frequently talk to people. I don’t have any considerable close friends, and the ones I do consider as friends I see maybe once a year and talk rarely. My best friends right now are honestly my brothers and my cat. Still, even with such a boring life, I found myself cruising along without a care in the world to what happens next as long as I somehow wake up the next day to do it again. I was miserable but didn’t even realize it since I was so stuck in my daily routine. Frankly I didn’t know what to do.
This is when I decided I wanted to make a change and I carved a new path in life by pursuing a license in massage therapy. I desperately wanted a chance to break free from my boring desk job and create something of my own. This was all great and good, and is still going strong, but the challenge I encountered early on is my inability to discipline myself. It became astoundingly clear that I had good intentions and even better ideas when I use my brain, but I couldn’t stay consistent in using it. I was so addicted to numbing my brain with alcohol, nicotine, THC and caffeine that I couldn’t focus on anything. I was just a shell; going through the motions I thought I had to go through to get where I wanted to go. And it took me way too long to realize this is no way to live life, especially when pursing something I actually want to do and can be incredibly good at. And this is where PunPun comes in.
In a chance encounter with one of my sister-in-law’s co-workers, I was allowed to borrow the full series of Oyusumi PunPun (or Goodnight PunPun) as a friendly gesture from one manga fan to another. I had just finished reading Berserk before this, and the theme was going right in line with that tone of despair from the Berserk series. The friend lending the series mentioned that this was one of his favorites, but also warned that this is incredibly dark at times. I braced myself and reluctantly dove in.
I immediately fell in love with the drawing style and writing. The deeply engrained creativity is exceptional, which is a fantastic way to set the tone considering this is one of the few (if not only) series that I’ve read that does not include supernatural abilities or fighting to save the world. Instead, it gives a real slice of life story that seems ordinary at first glance, but slowly unfolds into this bleak, miserable world lived by our main character Punpun. Nothing of his life can be considered truly remarkable or noteworthy to most, but all put together like the author has for us into this long emotional tale of Punpun’s development through life, this starts to become a fascinating and truly in-depth breakdown of how a once caring, intelligent and passionate child grew up to become someone that has completely lost their way.
I’d like to start with Punpun’s childhood, because this is where the story begins. The first memory we know of Punpun is when he’s just a few years old. He’d gone on an adventure and found himself lost in the next town over, and we see him being taken back home by his uncle Yuichi. This seems like a fun little tale at first glance, with the explanation at the time being that Punpun was chasing a shooting star and wanted to catch it, so he followed it as far as he could but got lost. At first I thought this was a creative little insight into his childhood mindset. It gave some peace of mind knowing Punpun once had these wild ideas and chased them without any worry, just like any kid would do. It’s not until much later we learn that this was not the case at all. Punpun had a friend tell him that he could catch a falling star. Punpun believed him without question and stuck by his friend to go catch a star. Unfortunately, Punpun’s friend was struck by a car during this incident and was killed, leaving our boy all alone without even a star piece as solace.
While this isn’t exactly a happy memory, this also doesn’t seem on the surface as something that would ruin his life just yet. One crucial bit of information here is the stress on truth and how Punpun believed his friend without question. Maybe he didn’t exactly connect the dots this directly, but the fact is that his friend died because he told and believed in a lie. It’s understandable to write this off as a terrible accident, but I think the inquisitive mind of Punpun, even at this young age, would have questioned the situation and wondered what happened. With this in mind, Punpun was likely forced to accept the fact that truth rules above all else. Essentially, telling any lie was bad and would cause him pain. This undoubtedly left an impression on him throughout his life, and may factor into his timidity later in life. I’m thinking that this may also factor into his inability to tell a lie too, but there’s another event that I think better sets the stage for this.
I don’t want to go into every single one of Punpun’s life changing events, because there’s just too many to count and I’d be writing forever, but I think it’s important to touch base on the most defining moments to help set the stage for the purpose of this post. I bring up this first memory because this sets the table for how he reacts through his life to conflict, and in some ways mirrors how I felt as a kid. I don’t exactly remember why I was this way, but as a kid I never wanted to do anything wrong, ever, or it would upset my parents. Maybe I did something I wasn’t supposed to and my mom scolded me. For some reason, this stuck with me and made me want to never do anything wrong so I never get yelled at again. I was yelled at more after this point, but I think the idea here is that we’re often molded from a very young age by the choices we have to make, and this may continue throughout life if not corrected or paid attention to. For me, this has everything to do with the fact that I used to be such a carefree and happy kid like PunPun, and would be described as the kid who wouldn’t stop talking and always had a smile. At some point I had to make a decision whether I wanted to continue being carefree but risk getting scolded, or buckle down, stop messing around and get to work. I chose to fly under the radar so I could try to hold onto as many risky behaviors as I could before getting caught. This led to me trying to only display what others wanted to see from me, making my personality seem insincere. I try to fit in and blend wherever I go, which only causes me to lose myself. This definitely stuck with me most of life, and unfortunately I’m still working on this today. Fortunately, recognizing my negative aspects and challenging myself to do something is still very much within my reach.
This bring us to the next big step for PunPun with him meeting Aiko. This is the classic love at first sight trope, as both are immediately drawn to each other. Punpun wants to get to know her but doesn’t know how to do this, so he decides to follow her home until she notices him. She’s at first a bit freaked out, but quickly pivots and wants him to walk with her. The conversation then becomes very odd. Aiko states she wants to be a model or actress when she grows up, and mentions she would want to make all her money as a teen and spend it in her 20’s before humanity goes extinct. A bold statement by any child, yet alone a young girl talking to her new crush in a new town. To me this sort of seems like a way for her to seem cool and get Punpun to notice how mature she is, and it works. Punpun is infatuated with her, whether for good or bad, and is now desperately trying to get closer to her.
From what we know of Punpun and Aiko at this point, it doesn’t seem all that weird when the two make their love pact on the gym floor shortly after this. The pair seems to be a perfect fit based on their own perceptions, but in reality this is a toxic pairing. Aiko is abused by her cult mother, and has no other friends or family to turn to when she’s being beaten or abused. There’s some hints of sexual abuse as well, which would certainly leave Aiko in a vulnerable spot. She’s just a young girl forced to move to a new city with an abusive mother, and she’s willing to attach herself to anyone that will show her any affection or really anything that’s not abuse. So when little Punpun comes in hoping to tell his crush how he feels, Aiko is beyond thrilled to know someone actually cares about her. This may be the reason she’s so attached to him, since he’s the only thing in her life that’s good. Little does she know Punpun is very conflicted in his personal beliefs, and this feeling of passion toward her is largely due to Punpun’s own insecurities at home. Punpun’s father just left, his mom is a mess, and his uncle is his only true source of knowledge or advice. Meeting Aiko, he realizes that he can also escape his dreary life and go out with Aiko to see the world. Unfortunately, we never get to see what his dream would end up being, as this quickly falls apart.
The defining point in this early relationship is Aiko’s statement to Punpun “You wouldn’t lie to me, would you, PunPun?” which stuck with Punpun for the rest of his life. This likely immediately triggered some of his memory with the friend who was killed following the shooting star, and put him in a challenging spot of not wanting to follow in that friend’s footsteps. Especially knowing the weight of Aiko’s question, knowing this is her only rule and would break their pact to protect each other. This question leads Aiko to ask Punpun to go to Kagoshima with her and start a new life. Punpun actually takes this in stride and is ready to go, but has some reservations. Mainly about money, but also in just how planned out this is. You can start to see the rational thinking in Punpun as this turning point approaches, and he’s forced to face the brass fact that this is not a good idea for two kids to run away. Unfortunately this damages Aiko and Punpun both. Aiko lost her friend and only bright spot in her life on the day he missed her at the station, and is forced to face the fact that someone that claimed to truly care about her had vanished just like that. For Punpun, he was forced to lie to the girl he’s promised everything to, and at an early age this was really his only close friend. To lose her so suddenly like this and seemingly have to cut her off afterwards to avoid the awkwardness was clearly a defining moment for him, and would not be easy to come back from quickly.
To me, this is the epitome of young love tainted by outside factors and each person’s inexperience. Aiko is not in a safe situation at home, and her instability causes her to lean on Punpun’s kindness way more than typically warranted. This leads to an unnatural attachment to someone who barely knows her, which then leads to Punpun making promises out of kindness that he simply could not keep. I honestly feel awful for Aiko at this point in her life. She’s been abused, neglected, and told to behave or deal with it. When she’s finally able to leave her mother’s clutches, she grabs onto the first point of kindness she receives, which was unfortunately too much for this unknowing recipient to handle. With this ultimate rejection by the end of this first arc, we see Aiko feeling abandoned by literally the only person she cares about, and this cuts deep. The poor girl is forced to wait in limbo for her knight in shining armor, all the while enduring the abuse and challenges at home she hates. I can’t help but feel a bit angry that she’s put in this circumstance, but I don’t exactly know who to blame other than her parents. Punpun did nothing wrong; he was only a kid being a kid, following a crush as far as his little body could. But in the end they are both kids. Punpun seems to notice that despite his feelings, many things in life are outside his control.
I related to this a lot, not just in relationship similarity but just the general feeling that some things in life are out of your control, despite your best efforts. I’ve always wanted a love like what these two seem to find early on, but each time I do so I’m met with my own hesitation or trying to please her in every way, when sometimes I just can’t please her. When its outside of my control and someone is still hurt, I, like Punpun, also blame myself, really for no reason at all other than feeling somehow responsible. To me this is guilt, plain and simple, that you just refuse to forgive yourself for and are finding another way to take some blame. I know I’m being vague, and this is intentional due to this being my first blog post. I hope to dive deeper into this soon, but for now I’ll keep it vague. Love is complicated, as is evident in Punpun. I guess the takeaway from this is just that some people are heavily impacted by their first love, and these interactions can shape your future, consciously or not.
Before I move on, I want to quickly talk about the day where the kids break into the abandoned miso factory. So much happens here. I’d love to talk about this all, but again this will have to wait for another post. The two points I want to bring up here are 1. this is Punpun’s first encounter with Sachi and 2. this is when the kids encounter the incredible starry sky that Punpun remembers so fondly. The first point is just that. Sachi is first introduced here. I think it’s interesting that they meet on the same day they see that memorable night sky, even though Sachi was not part of that group at the time, since Sachi later goes on to win an award for a painting based on a similar night sky. It’s not exactly a point worth dwelling on, but I think it’s worth noting for the connections it creates down the line. That sky is one of Punpun’s fondest memories, and Sachi is able to somewhat capture this and use it to unknowingly inspire Punpun later in life. The second point is the real hitter here. I think most of Punpun’s inspiration in life comes from this day and how happy he felt in this moment. He finally had the girl of his dreams with him, his group of friends, everyone was having a good time, and most importantly, this was objectively the best his life ever was. He romanticized this day in his head, thinking how great things were for just a brief moment in his life. But life changes, people move and relationships fall apart.
I think anyone can look at this and see a romanticized view of their own childhood, or hopefully at least a moment in childhood when everything seemed to be at it’s best. Life is great, family is together and everyone is as happy as can be, or at least in as far as you know. Unfortunately this can’t last forever, and most of us are forced to accept the fact and move on. It sucks, but we all have to grow up at some point and rise to new challenges. This is simply life, but one can also hope to encounter some positive changes along the way to help cope. Possibly new friends, a caring home life, good relationships at school, or even a friendly neighbor or relative. For Punpun, he never had any of these outside of his uncle. I truly think Yuichi is the reason Punpun stayed as sane as he did for so long, as is honestly one of the only positive influences in his life. Unfortunately, his guidance was not enough to bring Punpun out of the spiral he’s soon going to enter.
It’s not unreasonable to see the next few chapters of Punpun’s life and start to understand why he fell into such a deep hole of despair in his early adult years. His friend group falls apart; he’s not able to keep his promise to go to Kagoshima with Aiko again; his parents are divorcing; he has to move out his childhood home and live with his mom; he no longer lives with his uncle; he’s rejected trying to have another relationship with a girl; among many, many others. Everything he knew is falling apart and changing, but he can’t do anything to stop it or change it. He’s just a kid trying to do his best but keeps getting caught in more drama. I personally think one of the most crushing moments for Punpun had to be his relationship with his mom, and her fierce rejection of him until the very end. She was so conflicted in her feelings for him, and made it apparent in every scene they are together. But on her deathbed, admitting to Punpun that she loves him despite everything they’d been through, had to drive the nail right into Punpun’s little bird heart. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a parent. Anyone that loves their parents would be understandably devastated, if not at least a bit emotional. However, Punpun doesn’t really have that for his mom. He made that clear on his date with Kanie, and really only showed up to the hospital later on out of obligation, feeling it was the right thing for him to do. Maybe I’m assuming here, but the way I read this scene, I get the feeling Ms. Onodera was only being partially truthful, also trying to save herself in some selfish way. Like that last minute of bonding could change the years of neglect and pain she’d caused. Or that telling him that he reminds you of his father and that’s why you hate him is going to make him forget anything she’s already said. Punpun never had a good relationship with his mom. This final chain of events was just the straw that broke the camel’s back and pushed Punpun over the edge.
The other moment that happens right about this same time is the incident with Midori. I’ll save this full scene breakdown for another day, but I will say that this event is another huge turning point for Punpun. With one of his last sources of good advise and human connection in Yuichi now distanced at best, Punpun is truly alone and by himself. This next part is the part I connect with the most. In an effort to prove to himself and Aiko that he’s responsible, he rents an apartment and makes a promise to himself that if nothing changes by the time the lease expires in 2 years, he’s going to kill himself. Definitely a dark promise for a young adult, but perhaps understandable considering the turmoil he’s been through. The apartment is nothing special at face value, simply a good deal due to the circumstances of the prior owner. Interestingly, this place ends up being the catalyst for his encounter reuniting with Sachi later in the manga. And this is where we finally see some growth in Punpun, or at least some semblance of passion and intrigue in living life. I’m skipping over so much right now that I want to talk about. The main point though is that we first see Punpun in the tetrahedron shape around this time, which I believe symbolizes him reverting to his simplest and most basic form, living his most simple and basic life. It’s not until he meets Sachi and starts talking with her that he bounces back and out from this shape to his normal form, and this is interesting to me because this finally shows Punpun making steps to grow out from his obsession with Aiko, even begrudgingly so, and start to become a man with a purpose. We see Punpun finally take initiative to write for Sachi, to get his own job, to build new skills again and even organize his life a little. This may have been the adult peak for Punpun, but unfortunately it does not last.
I mentioned that this is the part I relate to the most, and it’s true. I made a similar death pact with myself 10 years ago. I didn’t have the same intentions as Punpun necessarily, but I was in a dark place in college with a bleak look on my future. I was failing my classes, my girlfriend from high school was gone and with new guys, and I felt no purpose or passion for life or anything that i was doing. I convinced myself that I would either get my life together or slowly start slipping off, letting my life go to shit until eventually I kill myself by 30. Literally i had a plan to go broke, spend everything I had and rack up crazy debt just to party as much as i can and go out with a bang. I had no intention of living past 30 if my life was going to continue to feel so empty and painful. And this is why i relate to Punpun so much, because I built up a shell around me since making this decision and basically lived the most simple and easygoing life I could ask for. I became a tetrahedron with no purpose or no goals, and was just a plain boring dude going through the motions of life until I got to 30. It took me reading Punpun to fully realize this, despite making some positive changes in my life. Feeling like this is not a good place to be, as made evident in the manga. You make yourself disconnected and refuse to push beyond your comfort zone because you might get hurt. It’s an incredibly strange feeling to be sympathizing with and relating to such a depressing character. Sometimes you don’t see just how far you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole until someone shows you, and I needed this visualization to see that the way I was living my life is not normal or cool or romanticized but self-defeating, depressing and toxic. Once I connected this to my own life, I realized I needed to make some changes or I’ll end up just like my dear friend Punpun.
I wish I could tell you that this immediately saved me and changed my life forever, but that would be a lie. I can say, however, that this inspired a change in me that I can only describe as wanting to be something more. I always think back to the image of Punpun in his room, thinking to himself ‘This is fine’ or something boring like that. It’s so casual and lame I don’t even remember the exact words, other than the fact that he’s sitting there like a pathetic loser in this pathetic shape. I know this is harsh wording, but I do this to emphasize just how pathetic this train of though is and how defeating it is. I find myself slipping into laziness and poor habits more easily than I would like, and I use this type of thinking to train my brain into understanding that lifestyle is unacceptable and not for me. I’ll admit that Punpun never had this level of clarity available to him, nor did he have any of the luxuries I’ve had afforded for me. But he did have the opportunity to prove himself, just like I do. Punpun never pushed himself harder than he had to. Honestly I don’t know if he ever exercised. We know he helped with Sachi’s manga and worked at the real estate office, but I can’t say we ever saw Punpun work hard at anything. Maybe he spent a few weeks or months working on the writing for the manga a few hours a day, and maybe he applied himself at the real estate job. But we don’t ever see long days or nights of him sweating, grinding for a better life. He’s always just sitting and wasting his life away, waiting for better things to come. I think this point alone made me want to work out more. It’s insane that someone with so much potential would just let their life waste away because they’re afraid to let go of their past.
And there it is. The moment of clarity. I’m wasting my life away, sitting around doing nothing so often because I can’t let go of my past. If i instead focus on the future and building something rather than reliving my mistakes, I can get out of this cycle of depression and onto a path of success. The wasted potential is the worst to me. Punpun is a smart guy, just like I consider myself, but he’s never pushed himself to be anything and so he doesn’t become anything, simple as that. But we see when he tries just a little, like with real estate, he can do quite well just on his own wit. I think the same of myself in my desk job. I’ve done fairly well just coasting, and I’ll admit I’m not often a good employee. If i were to apply myself to something and truly put myself into it, I’m sure i can succeed. Just like how i can imagine Punpun doing well anywhere he goes, simply because of his wit. He may not be great at everything, but I’m sure he’s willing to learn. I think the part where he fails is his commitment, and we see this later when Aiko finally returns to his life. But that’s also for another post. The point though is that Punpun fails to commit to anything in life, choosing to be trapped in his own insecurities rather than pursue a meaningful life with goals and dreams. He’s become so twisted and lost in his own misery that he loses himself completely and falls to his dark thoughts. You could argue that Punpun finally commits to Aiko in the end, and you’d be correct, but this also the beginning of the worst chapter in Punpun’s life, by a large margin. I’ve seen this point faintly approaching in my life a few times. Mostly during my darkest times in college, but even some as recently as a few weeks ago. The thing that I believe differentiates myself and Punpun is my ability to see my value and my potential for growth. Punpun is utterly lost in life and fails to see any potential future for himself, with almost no self esteem, no confidence, no close friends and no foundation to turn to for guidance. I have all of this, yet still sometimes fail to grow. But i don’t see this as a problem necessarily, just a motivator. We all make mistakes, we all get caught in ruts, and we all have times when we just aren’t our best selves. Now that I know what I look like and what this life looks like, I’m ready to start making these challenges a priority.
Finding passion in life is a complicated business. I don’t exactly know why it had to be Punpun of all things to point me in the right direction, but sometimes the right thing finds you at the right time. There’s so much more in this story that I’ll go in depth on soon; this is just scratching the surface. For now, I just wanted to share the beauty hidden in this story that I was able to find, and share it with anyone still reading. Until next time, peace.