Nearly 10 months ago, I willingly embarked on a journey to become a massage therapist. It’s beyond cliché to admit that everything has changed since then, but honestly that’s the truth. It’s strange to think back on my physical and mental state back then. I’ve grown so much as a man, and in general learned a bit about myself. This post is my way of documenting this experience and my thoughts during this journey, all the way up to the final days of class and the aftermath.
To understand the whole picture I have to go back to how I enrolled in the first place. It was summer of 2022. Despite living a very privileged life as a young adult, not much was going my way at the time, or at least so I thought. I was growing increasingly frustrated with my job and in every way wanted a way to break free from the monotony of insurance sales. I, in the kindest way possible, simply cannot and could not stand interacting with my co-workers. They’re good people, don’t get me wrong, but they’re nearly impossible to relate to and frankly just annoying. Which is all just a cherry on top of a career that I just do not have a passion for. I’ve spent so much time here feeling like I have to stick around because it’s a family business. This perceived obligation to do more for this business than others has felt increasingly demanding, and has consequently led to me resenting the business. My increased responsibility at the office was taking a toll that I decided I could no longer handle, at least not indefinitely. At this point I decided I needed to pursue another career, but I had no idea where to start.
The trouble I always had with the idea of finding a new career is just how safe and easy this insurance gig is. I make good money here. I have job security, and despite the work being incredibly boring, it’s very easy on the body. While I do pride myself in being able to use my wits to help people, this just doesn’t feel like enough for me. I have a need for physical activity too. This is what led me to consider massage therapy as a potential career. Honestly it sounds crazy but it was that simple. I was thinking at least some sort of therapist, because I genuinely enjoy working with people and learning about who they are, being able to help with and hopefully make people happier and feel better. To me, it made sense to find a way to combine my need for physical activity and use my brain, all while making decent money and working to make people feel better. It didn’t take long until a google search led me to find the only active massage school in the area and I gave them a call. I was really just hoping for a price-check and some general information, but like any good business they asked me to come in to see the school for myself. I figured why not? So I stopped out, met with the dean and learned about enrolling. It all happened so fast, like just a few days prior I was thinking about new career options and now I’m in the dean’s office ready to sign up for the Fall term of massage therapy school. I’m not sure exactly what made me go ahead and do it. There was no deep internal debate, or even a night to think it over. I guess I was just so ready for change, and massage presented a real option for change, that I was willing to do anything to give myself hope of a free future. Now that I’m typing this all out it makes so much sense. At the time I was so depressed that I was willing to do anything to get me out of that mental state, and massage school fit that bill. Fortunately, school seemed to be exactly what I needed to start breaking down and addressing my real problems.
Only a few weeks later school started. I was out every evening taking night classes after work, 4 hours a night and 2 hours on the weekends. I’d only told Pete about what I was doing. Nobody else in my friend group or family knew I was doing this. I think that fact alone made it more exciting, like I was living a hidden, second life. The trouble I found early on was that my motivation was twisted. I wanted to make myself better through this new career, but I also wasn’t willing to give up everything holding me back from having that career, or willing to build all the right habits to make sure I could be successful. Trust me, I wanted to, but I didn’t have the discipline. I was still sleeping in late, not eating healthy, vaping, not taking care of my body or taking time for myself mentally or physically. I was convincing myself that I was getting by just fine doing all my normal daily routines, even though all the signs were pointing to my vices holding me back. Miraculously, sometimes in life we find ourselves in the exact place we need to be at the exact right time through sheer luck. I just so happened to enroll in a program specifically geared towards helping people live healthy lives.
The first few weeks of school were a blur of meeting new people, getting to grasp a completely foreign concept in working with relaxation massage, and navigating my own insecurities. Right off the bat I couldn’t help but let myself get distracted with my mostly female classmates. I’m a single dude, what can I say? I don’t want to go into all of that because it’s not entirely important for this story, other than the fact that I let myself get distracted from my goal by a woman that wasn’t right for me. It’s so easy to let yourself fall into that trap of wanting someone to love, no matter who it is or what comes with it. I really wanted love at that time, and going through so much stress with work and school it seemed right to have some relief in a little romance. The trouble I found is that I didn’t seek out or select a woman exclusively because of a genuine connection, but rather a physical attraction and availability. This undoubtedly caused me to lose some progress in my personal growth. Mostly because I would beat myself up over how poorly I felt I handled the situation during the breakup. I let hormones and urges get the best of me. I dove into a situation that I had no business being in. It was even more difficult finding a way out and keeping my sanity knowing everyone would wonder what happened to the super couple in class. It just hurt to have been so sloppy with my emotions and let it affect my class like this. I felt disappointed that I couldn’t man up and face the situation rationally from the beginning, but life keeps moving forward.
With all this said, I eventually found my dignity and returned to normal life with some resolve. By this time we were nearly a quarter through the whole program. Classes were incredibly easy for me, but staying consistent with my health was another story. I had seemingly dedicated myself to working hard and growing as a therapist, but I was making slow progress. I was fighting a damaged mental state, still recovering from my own reaction to the lost relationship while trying to balance work and school. At this time I was trying to eat better and I stopped drinking all alcohol. All things need to start somewhere. Despite making an initial push for better health, it was at this point where I started coasting. All the hype up and motivation I had at the beginning was drained from how awful I felt about that short fling. There was just this weight of guilt and shame that made me feel like the biggest asshole in the world, and the only way to seemingly fix it was by shutting up and getting through it as quickly as possible. So that’s what I did. I did the bare minimum to get by, I barely interacted with my classmates, and in general I felt like I lost something important. It wasn’t until I let my thoughts settle that I realized just how attached I let myself become to that relationship even though it was not right for me, and I let the opinions of others influence how I handled that relationship. If I instead acted in my own interest and did what is best for me, I might have avoided some mental hardship. Love is complicated and you can’t help growing attached, but I think having the mental clarity to understand what I want and what my limits are truly makes a difference in growing past mistakes and getting the love that I feel I deserve.
One thing that’s becoming abundantly clear to me is my lack of discipline and focus during this journey. Had I, at any point, made a clear and defined list of my daily habits, goals, and plans for my future, I’m sure I could have cut this journey in half and had better success after graduation. Somehow instead I found myself easily distracted with everything all at the once, which meant I wasn’t ever putting 100% into any one thing. I’d try to stay focused on school then get caught up at work with a difficult client and lose progress, or get too drunk on the weekend and spend all week trying to recover. The problem, essentially, is just not being fully committed to a single goal. I learned I’m the half-ass prince. I can coast all day if I want to, and I’ll still find some success just doing the bare minimum. Unfortunately, without ever fully committing to something, I’ll never know what I can do when I really do put in the effort.
At this point it’s just around New Years, still only a few months into the program. I’d spent some time mulling over how I’d finally break it to my family that I’m in massage therapy school. I decided to just do it, come clean and just get it off my chest. It was sort of on the spot too, since I had no plans to tell them that day, but when I showed up for a little shindig at home it just felt right. To my surprise everyone unanimously showed support, even my Dad who technically had the most to lose in me leaving the office. I think I’ve been a good employee over the years and have grown into an occasional leader at the office, and in today’s market it’s definitely not easy to find reliable workers. On the other hand, I think there’s also that parent side worried that I might not be able to make it on my own without his guidance. He’s had to help me through most of my adult life, which has barely limped along to make it to this point. I can understand why he would have some reservations about me searching for success on my own without giving him a firm reason to think I can do it. And this, right here, is part of the true challenge. I’m now at the point where I need to display to others that I am the man. I can handle it, and I’ll be just fine on my own. This comes with building confidence and skill, and now that I’ve completed school I can say I definitely have these. Now it’s time to showcase that.
From what I’ve gathered over the past few months, this next journey is all about discipline and mindset control. Getting respect comes with being a respectable person. I need to do more things that make others see me as someone worth respecting, rather than someone that can be walked over or pushed around. This comes with self-respect, a general sense of pride, and a sense of purpose. I feel like I’m finally channeling some of this energy, and it’s starting to make my daily life easier and make people respect me more. It’s a slow process, but every day that I make steps to stand up for myself is a day that I grow closer to my goal.
The other huge detail here is focus. My attention always seems to go to getting through the day with as little friction as possible without upsetting anyone or having any conflict. I want life to be happy and peachy, no issues ever. Unfortunately this isn’t possible, yet I’m coming to work every day acting like I’m the candy king in gumdrop land and everyone’s happy all the time. In reality I actually can do wrong, there are people that I can and probably should upset, and I can make my job into something I can easily handle and maybe even thrive in just by establishing boundaries. Life doesn’t have to be so complicated or hard. I just have to use my brain to understand the situation so I can handle things rationally and professionally. Part of my distaste for this current job is the sense of helplessness and panic I seem to get almost daily, when most of this stress is actually internal. If I could just learn to handle my emotions and how I react, maybe this wouldn’t be so stressful after all.
Now back to school, because there’s still a lot of class to go. Term two brought in a few new challenges. Our first teacher quit at the end of the term due to compounding stress in her personal and professional life, meaning we had to start over from introductions and get a new teacher up to speed with what we had learned so far. This was a lengthy process, made even more challenging by incompetent administration and poor communication between the school to our educators. The whole process was discouraging and stressful as a student, mostly because the teachers did not have the preparation or any helpful instruction from the school. This left us and our teachers feeling like we had been abandoned, left to our own devices to figure out massage. This large disconnect, along with some credential issues, caused some of our teachers to either quit or be fired. This whole term was complete chaos at the school. I began to question my resolve and reasoning for choosing this school, but decided to stick it out mostly because I knew I wouldn’t let myself turn back now. Plus, this is just school. All I have to do is get through and I’m good to do whatever I can imagine to do with a massage license.
Despite not learning much in terms of hands-on practice this term, there were some positives. I had one of the best teachers I’ve probably ever had during this term, shoutout to Tina. She taught us muscles of the body for anatomy, which is a massive subject as it is. But despite this she found a way to at least keep us engaged, make us learn and pushed us to really work for the knowledge. I appreciated her treating us like we have a chance to succeed. Which is very different from how I felt other educators treated our class. I got the vibe the entire school just wanted us graduated in any way possible with the least confrontation. If I’m being honest, just about all of my classmates are not the type to mess with. I’m confident the school simply had enough of us by the end of it. I have a feeling they dropped almost all regulations to let us go with the bare minimum effort. I’m not entirely complaining, but this term was definitely the one to set the divide between us and the school administration.
It came to a point during a night class when our teacher let us go for a 30 minute food break. We had been warned time and time again that we have limited time so we have to be back in exactly 30 minutes otherwise we’re losing time in class. To me this makes sense, it’s a very simple concept. 30 minutes is plenty of time to get food, and we can even eat when we get back to the classroom so it should never be a problem to go out and come back in that time. Some of my classmates pushed this rule on several occasions, up to 30 minutes late on some occasions. Realistically, we probably weren’t missing much in terms of information. But on principle alone our teacher was absolutely furious. On one particular occasion, our teacher finally snapped when a group came in 20 minutes after break ended. They were able to get back in the building, but the door to our room was locked by the teacher and she refused to unlock it for them, saying they missed valuable time and will have to make it up. The late group started yelling through the closed door about what they should do, which upset our teacher even further. Within 20 seconds of them being back and yelling, our teacher dropped everything, rolled up her sleeves and went out the now unlocked door ready to fight. There were some heavy words exchanged, students screaming at the teacher while demanding education. It was a stressful situation for a massage school. I was just glad to be out of it watching from the back of the room. After a good couple of minutes of screaming back and forth the late group decided to leave for the day, informed they would have to make up for everything they missed since they were late. Unfortunately, once the dust settled, the school decided to side with the students. By some twisted logic, the ruling came in that our paid-for education is a guaranteed right, not a privilege that can be rewarded or revoked. This teacher had no right to restrict our education in an effort to punish some students. And I’ll agree, revoking our education is not a fair punishment. However, in society we have rules to follow, and if we break them we face consequences. Perhaps her means of enforcing the consequences were a bit harsh. In her defense, she said very clearly, on several occasions for all to hear, please, please do not be late after break since we have a lot of work to do. Yet sure enough almost every day this exact phenomenon happened. I can definitely understand why she had to be let go. But after teaching us, I have to think she’s better off somewhere else.
The rest of term two was comparatively rather uneventful. The biggest challenge was my LMT massage, where I was tasked to massage a currently practicing massage therapist. Honestly not the biggest deal in the world, but we had barely learned anything on how to structure a massage, and this would be my first massage on someone that wasn’t family or a classmate. So stress levels were high, and honestly I even hyperventilated a little during the drive over to class that day. To give a massage. That’s how my brain works sometimes. Worst of all, I was paired with the biggest bitch of an LMT possible. I don’t care if this is mean or makes me an asshole but this bitch was rude, condescending and had the closest resemblance to the evil octopus witch lady from The Little Mermaid I’ve ever seen in real life. I was so nervous that my hands were visibly shaking while starting the massage, and the moment I laid my hands on her to begin she told me to stop. I did. She had me sit back, take a few deep breaths, and just relax for a second. I’ll admit this helped, but she was also incredibly abrasive about it. After a minute I started up again. While she was not very encouraging, she let me continue and I worked my way through whatever routine I’d pieced together literally that morning from YouTube. I thought I did great for just getting it over with. She did not agree. I am not joking, I was lectured on my routine and all the things I did wrong for a good 10, maybe 15 minutes by this woman. I just had to sit there and nod, say thank you for pointing that out, and just try to stay humble. I don’t think she had any idea it was my first ever real massage, or if she cared to be honest. She knew I could do better and made sure I had many, many tips to work with to help improve the basics I had shown her. The thing is, if she wasn’t so bitchy I probably could have learned a ton from her. But regardless, it was over and I could finally move on to term 3. Halfway there.
Following a familiar trend, we got to start off term 3 with another newly appointed teacher. Fortunately we had finally been given someone that could handle us in all of our craziness and truly take on the task of reigning us in for greatness. Alycia was a blessing for all of us. She saw how poorly we had been brought along as therapists so far and took it upon herself to make sure we learned everything we possibly could before graduation. She also has a raw passion for massage that seemingly rubbed off on all of us. She’s the exact type of person I was hoping to meet in school. Not romantically, as that is currently on hold, but more in general just a person that has the energy and drive that I want to see in myself. Part of growing successful is surrounding yourself with successful people, and I could sense that Alycia has the mindset and work ethic to make sure that happened. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to know we had finally been rewarded with a teacher with real passion. I just wish I took better advantage of the opportunities while they were available. Instead I choose to keep going through the motions like usual and got out of class as quickly as possible.
It’s odd how hypocritical I can be sometimes. I finally had the exact educator I needed to push me to my goals, yet I decided to keep slacking because it’s what felt comfortable. I was afraid to expose myself, maybe even more afraid of change in itself. It’s one thing to have dreams, but it’s another thing entirely to have the courage and drive to pursue it at all costs. I found myself at a part in my journey where I realized I was coasting towards my goal the whole time, and I needed to step up quickly if I’m going to graduate to king status.
Through terms 3 and 4 I had more up and down days than I care to admit. I’d start the week motivated, strong, refreshed and ready to go, but by Wednesday I’d be wiped from the combination of stressful days at the office, my attempted workout schedule and evening classes going to 9:30 every night. This meant we’re walking out of class at 9:30, then I’d get home by maybe 9:45 then take at least 20-30 minutes to maybe get a little bit of food, start to wind down and get ready for bed. Most nights this meant I’m up until at least 10:30. Then back at it tomorrow at 6:30. Which is great on paper, a full 8 hours is plenty of sleep. I just never got that. Even on the best nights, it was impossible to calm my nerves in less than an hour and I’d easily be up past 11. The trouble I’d get into is I’d have a beer or maybe munch on some late night snacks, which meant havoc for my stomach overnight. This would often result in me waking up well before 6:30, I’d feel like shit and then the cycle repeats. In retrospect, had I applied a more disciplined mindset to my evenings after class and also my morning routine, I likely would have found this much easier to handle. In any case, at the time this was a stressful schedule for me. Especially with almost no break between work and school, it was a lot to handle for someone not used to being active.
During these last two terms we were able to work on clients brought in for us by the school, which meant us giving 4 massages a week each to total strangers. This should have been a great way to finally apply our skill and learn hands on. For me, this turned out to be an intense test of balancing my emotions and energy. You see, most days after leaving work I’m at a maximum stress level. I would normally remedy this by sitting on the couch at home with a beer and some tv until I fall asleep. Now that this was not an option, I had to find ways to face that stress head on. I’d typically show up for my first client in a state of complete and total panic, even if I looked calm on the surface. I would try some deep breathing to calm the nerves but this almost never lasted more than a minute. In most cases I’d just muscle through the massage and blame my inexperience for any perceived mistakes or shakiness. And this worked for a while, almost until the end of term 3. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I started to build a following of clients that started to request me regularly. They know I’m good at this now, so I wouldn’t be able to use these excuses on them if I was ever in a state of panic. This forced me to have a moment of truth with myself where I had to decide if I was willing to step up for the clients that showed appreciation my work, or face the consequences of giving a subpar massage to people that knew better and would expect better. Honestly, some days I’d rather choose the latter and hide, because I’m ashamed of myself for not always being my best. This isn’t always my answer, but when I’m low in confidence or not following my daily routine I tend to think I’m not good enough. I realize the only real solution for this is building confidence, and confidence comes from consistent hard work. Back to basics, baby. In time, I’ll never again question if I’m willing to put in the work.
Short story time. I went out on a run last week, about 5 miles in total. This is something I’ve been doing twice a week for some time now, just a casual jog through the neighborhood and to the park up the road to supplement my weight training routine. I had just finished my usual lap at Swan Creek and was cruising my way to the last stretch home when I was stopped by a car turning into the parking lot maybe 30 feet in front of me. I let the car pass, and while waiting I looked up at the sign towering over me. It reads “Toledo Pet Farm”, a sign I’ve been quite familiar with over the past couple of years. I hadn’t noticed this sign in a while, because the last time I’d paid it any attention it was while playing Pokemon Go. For the past few years that game was my only form of exercise, and the short 16th of a mile walk from my home to this sign was about as far as I would walk in a day, maybe even for a week depending on the weather, because this sign is a Gym in the Pokemon world (if you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it :). I’d often come home from this short walk sore and even winded from the experience, likely from the cigarette I smoked while on the walk. I contrasted how out of shape and unhealthy I felt back then to how I feel now, and it’s like looking at a completely different person. I’m now a runner, someone that jogs past this sign without a moment’s notice most days. This, on top of lifting weights, doing yoga, taking walks at lunch and getting back into being active during time off work. I prioritize my health now more than I ever have, and I wake up feeling stronger than I ever have in my whole life. I’ll even schedule vacations around hiking and being active now. I remembered how after work I’d come home immediately to crack open a beer, maybe watch anything on tv until it was time for dinner. Eat, sleep, then repeat with a hangover. It was a horribly depressing cycle and incredibly unhealthy, especially for someone with so much potential. I honestly think I just had to come to a point where I realized my untapped potential, and now that I’m here I can’t believe I ever let myself get that bad.
And now finally, graduation. I made it the full 10 months of the program, dominated in all my classes and was named top of my class. Despite all of this, I still have no idea what I want to do with my new license and skills moving forward. Looking back now, I’ve started to understand I’m more in love with the process of getting here than the original goal of being a therapist. I realize now that I needed a kick in the ass, a way to get me outside my comfort zone and challenging myself again. This whole journey was a way for me to build in the areas I’ve been neglecting for years, and allowed me a space to generate confidence and absorb knowledge I’ve never had before. I wish I could have done this somewhere where I didn’t have to take on student loan debt, but oh well.
So maybe I didn’t end up becoming a rockstar massage therapist right away, and to me that’s okay. Instead I found something much better. I found confidence in myself and a vision that will fill me with greatness the more I pursue it. It starts with consistency and discipline, and with hard work this will blossom into results. I just need to remember that every day is a blessing, every challenge I face is another test to prove myself, and every interaction I have is an interaction with god. Every second we live is a challenge to see how well we handle our environment, so every moment is a chance to make a change. Take time, appreciate life and act with intention. If I continue to live by these guidelines, I may just half-ass my way into the life I’m looking for. Maybe that’s massage therapy, or maybe it’s something even greater. I won’t limit myself just yet.