It’s recently become crystal clear to me that I have no internal code of conduct. I’ve been living my life carelessly, letting my emotions control my actions and letting my mind and body waste away. Essentially, if my body and mind are a castle to defend, I have no metaphorical walls protecting or even serving as a foundation for the castle. It’s been a slow process coming to this realization, but now that I’m here, I’m ready to start moving forward. I want to be physically and mentally strong, and in order to do so I need to develop a code of conduct. Based on some reading I’ve done recently, the statement below is a testament to how I should conduct myself when encountering worry or anxiety.
“I refuse to suffer. As a man, I choose not to suffer. The cure for worry and anxiety is action, and I can always do something to bring about change in the way I’m feeling. If there’s really nothing I can do, I must simply relax because I refuse to suffer. Worrying anymore will not help and will only cause more suffering.”
This hits the nail right on the head for me. I get so caught up in my own head thinking about the last conversation I had, or how I screwed up a massage last week, or just not thinking all the way through an issue that I forget my base and lose my cool. Instead of allowing any little thing to get me worked up, I’m working on developing a method to deal with my anxiety and stress. Just like the quote suggests, first I have to rationalize the issue to figure out what I can do about it. If there’s something I can do, I’ll do it. If not, then don’t worry. It’s as simple as that. The trick here is staying mindful enough to apply this concept, and of course remember to look at the bigger picture. For me, one of the more frequent causes for worry is the thought of people thinking I’m a loser because of how I present myself. When I rationalize it and look at the bigger picture, I realize nobody cares if I stutter a little bit, or have bad breath, or need validation every now and then. People generally want to help and be kind, and as long as you’re making an effort to be better most people will be encouraging or at least leave you alone. The bottom line is simply stop worrying about what others might think about you and start or continue doing the things that will keep you on the path to success.
For me, my biggest challenges are finding ways to stay relaxed without vices and avoiding distractions. Working on my breathing has been a huge help, and regular exercise along with improved nutritional standards has also helped immensely. Still, I realize I need something more concrete and fundamentally sound to continue improving. So, I’ve decided to create a internal roadmap, like a guidebook for my journey that will act as a tether to reality when I’m losing focus. Below are some questions that were presented to me in the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I highly recommend it if you’re working on self-improvement. Anyways, the questions below are meant as a thought provoking exercise to help generate this code of conduct. The answers will help frame a general sense of your ideals and allows these thoughts to become more concrete by putting them down on paper (or on a screen in my case). Maybe these are things you think about daily, or maybe this is something you’ve been neglecting to think about for your entire life. Either way, this can be an incredibly helpful tool for reflection. Feel free to answer these for yourself, and have fun.
What am I unwilling to compromise on? Love and happiness. I pride myself in being flexible in almost all aspects of life. I honestly don’t really care where I live, what I do for work, what I eat, or what I do for fun. Sure all of these are great parts of life, but one thing I’ve learned is you only have one brain, and some people never find love even once. These are gifts to be treasured and held without compromise.
How will I treat others day in and day out? Respectfully, and with a general sense of love and care. I’ll be honest this is one I need to work on. “How we do anything is how we do everything.” This quote brings me back to reality every time. I feel like I’m a nice guy all day every day, but in reality I’m sometimes not as kind as I hope. I’ve had a bit of an attitude recently at work, and this has led me to be less than kind to certain customers. A bit of mindfulness and compassion in my daily interactions may help improve my overall wellbeing and help me create better connections with people. It might also reduce some of my perceived stress. Kindness goes a long way.
In what manner will I conduct myself around women, and how do I treat the women in my life? I will be a pillar of fortitude and an anchor in terms of stability, knowledge and demeanor. If women are panicking or stressed, I’m getting calmer. I will be someone that women admire because of my own brand of manliness and my general demeanor of confidence and care. I am suave, I treat all women with dignity and try to always bring a smile. When there’s eventually a lucky lady in my life, I’ll do just about anything to help bring us closer and happier as a team.
What do you want to bring about in life? This is the big question, isn’t it? I used to think I just want to be rich so I don’t ever have to worry about anything, but realistically that isn’t going to happen. Instead, I think I’d prefer to bring about passion in others and inspire people to do great things. There’s nothing greater in life, at least that I know of, than to pass on the guidance or inspiration to become someone great. The people I admire most in life all do this, and it’s what got me out of the funk I was in for so long. I can’t think of anything better than to be able to give back the same way those people helped me.
What are you willing to die for? or accomplish? I don’t know if there’s any one thing out there that I’d sacrifice my only life for, at least not realistically. Of course if I could confirm that I’d stop the rise of a new Hitler, or prevent some major global crisis, then sure I’ll put my life on the line. Or if there’s some pursuing deadly force and I can save others with my sacrificed life, then absolutely I’ll go down in a blaze of glory. But nothing in today’s world is that important, and my life is more precious to me than anything I could give it up for. At least until I have a kid. Then who knows.
Who are the people most important to you? My family and friends. This one is easy. Never forget where you came from and the people that got you to where you are today. Family is everything, and close friends bring an extra spark to life that money could never buy.
What are the morals, values, and ethics that I choose to live by? Sort of a big question here. To keep it simple, I just want to bring happiness and spread as much good will as possible. So this means living a clean, respectable and disciplined life, treating others with respect and taking time to treat every aspect of my life with the dignity and attention it deserves.
How do I act under pressure? I am stoic, reasonable and decisive. People trust in me to make the best decisions, I will always have a rational mind, and I can make the decision without hesitation.
How do I act around other men? Another odd one to answer, I don’t often think about it. I went to an all guys high school and had 5 guys as roommates in college, so being around other dudes is pretty normal for me. Men are pretty simple. As long as I treat others with dignity and present myself with dignity, then things will be okay.
What kind of man would I like to become? I want to be a leader that people look up to and admire. I want to be someone that can say I’ve changed lives for the better, and people come to me for advice and encouragement. I am rock solid in all my virtues and never hesitate. I’m a literal superhero, someone that never gives up and always does the right thing. And finally, I want to have unwavering confidence and an unconditional love for myself and all of life. Almost sounds like it’s out of a comic book, but that just means I’m not the only one to have this idea.
To wrap this up, one final bit of advice I gathered from the book is to have a set of affirmations that help guide you into this ideal self. These can be anything, as long as they fit your goals and align with your values. I didn’t come up with these, but they’ve helped me immensely in finding confidence when I found myself running low. I normally say these slowly and with conviction to myself in the mirror before work or before a stressful event. Try them out if you’d like, it might just help.
Positive Affirmations – I am loveable just as I am. I am perfectly imperfect. My needs are important. I am a strong and powerful person. I can handle it. People love and accept me just as I am. It is okay to be human and make mistakes. I am the only person I have to please.